Helping Children through the Funeral Process

“How can I help my children deal with grief? Should they go to and participate in the funeral?”

The most important thing you can do to help children though the funeral process is to talk to them. Children need honest, clear and gentle answers to their questions, and an opportunity to express their emotions. Allow your child to ask questions and don’t be embarrassed if you don’t know the answers. Answers to religious questions may come from clergy, and technical questions can be addressed by your funeral director.

It’s a good idea to prepare children before the funeral so they know what to expect. As much as we want to protect our children from all pain and sorrow, we cannot protect them from knowing about death and loss. Participating in the funeral service at a level that is comfortable and appropriate to their age can be a great way for children to deal with their grief and acknowledge their loss.

Participating in the service

Children have their own comfort zones where funerals are concerned, and it is important for parents and others to respect that. Here is a guide to finding the right level of funeral service participation for your child.

Participation can take many forms, from simply being present to presenting the eulogy. It can be public, like serving as a pall bearer or lighting a candle, or private, like placing a picture or memento into the casket. What type or level of participation is appropriate depends upon the age, talents and inclination of your child. Bereaved children feel like their feelings “matter” when they can share a favorite memory or read a special poem as part of the funeral service. Many children feel more included when they are invited to help plan the funeral service. Encourage, explain, but never force.

Infants, toddlers, and very young children who have no understanding of death have no need to attend the funeral services, except for the convenience and comfort of the parents. However, children of this age are welcome at visitations and funeral services, and their presence helps to remind us of new beginnings. Keep your visit short or arrange for child care at the funeral home.

Ask if the funeral home has a children’s room. At Fiske, Murphy & Mack Funeral Home, we have a Children’s Room where your children can stay with a relative or friend during visiting hours or the service. Here they can play games or watch TV or a movie.

Preschoolers are old enough to understand the basics of death and can participate in some meaningful way, as they feel comfortable. For example, they might draw a picture or write a letter to their loved one or place a flower on the casket at the gravesite.

Elementary school children may be ready to participate in the church service by reading a lesson or poem, walking along with adult pallbearers, or preparing artwork or photos for a visitation. Guide participation if there is an interest. If there is a reluctance or fear, allow the child to opt out. Their participation is for their own benefit, not a requirement to ‘prove’ their regard for the deceased. Some children in this age group may benefit from having a close friend, or cousin accompany them to provide moral support during visitation and service times.

Middle school and high school age children already have difficult times in their transitions to adulthood. Dealing with the death of a loved one adds another level of complication to their world. Teens may feel embarrassed by participating in services, and have difficulty getting along with other family members. Nonetheless, the added maturity of the teen years means that interested kids may derive a great level of satisfaction and healing from actively participating in services.

Musical performances, casket bearing, and the sharing of remembrances become real possibilities in this age group. It is important to remember, in dealing with adolescents, that they are not yet adults. A death can turn their whole world upside down, and may be a time when adolescents prefer to grieve and receive comfort from adults, rather than participate in the service.

All children, like adults, will respond in different ways. If you’d like more information about talking to children about death, call us at 575-0575 or email mackfamilyfh@gmail.com.

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Tips for how to write and deliver the eulogy for a loved one who has died

May 20, 2022

A eulogy is a speech in remembrance of the one who died and is one of the most important elements of the funeral service. Being chosen to give a person’s eulogy Guidelines to writing a eulogy for a loved one is an honor, but it can sometimes be difficult. Here are some tips to help you prepare for and deliver a memorable eulogy: 1) Speak with family and friends to gather information. Begin by writing a list of what you want to include in the eulogy, such as awards, accomplishments, hobbies, and interests. Include special memories you have as well. 2) Try to tie the information you now have into a theme. If for instance, your friend was always happy or smiling, create your eulogy around her happy outlook on life. If you met at school and she was a great student, create your speech around how accomplished she was in all aspects of her life. 3) Begin to write your eulogy and include personal remembrances, but avoid inside jokes that others might not understand. Highlight important moments in her life – make your eulogy a celebration of her life. 4) Practice delivering the eulogy in front of a mirror. Make chances and then ask others who knew your loved one to hear you read it aloud to them. Ask for their input. 5) Type your eulogy in large print onto cards or paper. Bring tissues, just in case … don’t be afraid to show emotion; you won’t be alone. Take a deep breath and compose yourself before you begin. Remember to introduce yourself and your relationship to your loved one. Acknowledge the family members present. Most important: Think of your loved one; picture his or her face and speak as though he or she were in the room. Speak from the heart. If you need more information on writing a eulogy or would like a sample template for creating a eulogy, your funeral director at Mack Family Funeral Homes can help you. Contact us at 978-575-0575 .

How to help children deal with the death of a pet

May 20, 2022

Pets are important members of our families. We take care of them, sometimes from a very young age. We live with them, sleep with them, and we love them. When they die, all members of the family are affected. The unconditional love they give is sorely missed. We deal with the sadness in different ways, but it is especially difficult for some children to understand and cope. Young children are not developmentally ready to understand death the same way adults do. From ages 3 to 5, children tend to view death as temporary and reversible. They may believe that a doctor can bring a pet back to life with a shot or medicine. A 4-year old may believe he caused the pet’s death when he wished for a playful puppy to replace an elderly dog. From ages 6 to 8, children may know death is final, but they may think it only happens to others. From ages 9 to 11, children begin to understand that death is inevitable, even for them. They may, however, feel responsible for the pet’s death, thinking if only they had taken better care of the pet. Each child is unique, but parents should consider how much experience the child has had dealing with death. Have you talked with them before about death? What have they seen on TV? The answers will affect your child’s ability to understand and accept a pet’s death. Here are some guidelines to help: Don’t wait to tell them about the death. Be honest, accurate, and brief. Be careful about using euphemisms such as “passed away” or “went to sleep” to describe death. For a young child, these phrases may create confusion or fear about going to bed at night. Tell what happened; then wait for their questions. When children ask for details, they are asking for comfort. But spare them any details that would create a horrible picture in their minds. Encourage children to talk about their pet and to share what happened with their teachers. Read books together that can help in the grieving process. Involve children in the grieving process by asking them what they would like to do about a service to remember their pet. Have them draw pictures of the pet. Create a memorial garden as a tribute to their pet. Share funny stories. Plant a tree in the backyard in honor of your pet.Put the pet’s ashes and photos on the fireplace mantle. Here are some recommended books for helping children deal with the death of a pet: The Tenth Good Thing About Barney written by Judith Viorst and illustrated by Erik Blegvad; I’ll Always Love You written and illustrated by Hans Wilhelm; The Legend of Rainbow Bridge written by William N. Britton and illustrated by Dandi Palmer;Goodbye Mousie written by Robie H. Harris and illustrated by Jan Omerod; When A Pet Dies, written by Fred Rogers Sources: Kimberly A. Cardeccia, MA, LPC, NCC, author of Healing Your Heart When Your Animal Friend is Gone: A Children’s Pet Bereavement Workbook Abigail McNamee, PhD, EdD, chair of the Department of Early Childhood and Childhood Education at City University of New York.

Mack Family Funeral Homes Blog

May 20, 2022

From time to time we will be posting articles of interest to the families we service and to the caregivers in the community. If you have a question to an issue you would like us to address, please email us at mackfamilyfh@gmail.com. Thank you!