Pets are important members of our families. We take care of them, sometimes from a very young age. We live with them, sleep with them, and we love them. When they die, all members of the family are affected. The unconditional love they give is sorely missed. We deal with the sadness in different ways, but it is especially difficult for some children to understand and cope. Young children are not developmentally ready to understand death the same way adults do. From ages 3 to 5, children tend to view death as temporary and reversible. They may believe that a doctor can bring a pet back to life with a shot or medicine. A 4-year old may believe he caused the pet’s death when he wished for a playful puppy to replace an elderly dog. From ages 6 to 8, children may know death is final, but they may think it only happens to others. From ages 9 to 11, children begin to understand that death is inevitable, even for them. They may, however, feel responsible for the pet’s death, thinking if only they had taken better care of the pet. Each child is unique, but parents should consider how much experience the child has had dealing with death. Have you talked with them before about death? What have they seen on TV? The answers will affect your child’s ability to understand and accept a pet’s death. Here are some guidelines to help: Don’t wait to tell them about the death. Be honest, accurate, and brief. Be careful about using euphemisms such as “passed away” or “went to sleep” to describe death. For a young child, these phrases may create confusion or fear about going to bed at night. Tell what happened; then wait for their questions. When children ask for details, they are asking for comfort. But spare them any details that would create a horrible picture in their minds. Encourage children to talk about their pet and to share what happened with their teachers. Read books together that can help in the grieving process. Involve children in the grieving process by asking them what they would like to do about a service to remember their pet. Have them draw pictures of the pet. Create a memorial garden as a tribute to their pet. Share funny stories. Plant a tree in the backyard in honor of your pet.Put the pet’s ashes and photos on the fireplace mantle. Here are some recommended books for helping children deal with the death of a pet: The Tenth Good Thing About Barney written by Judith Viorst and illustrated by Erik Blegvad; I’ll Always Love You written and illustrated by Hans Wilhelm; The Legend of Rainbow Bridge written by William N. Britton and illustrated by Dandi Palmer;Goodbye Mousie written by Robie H. Harris and illustrated by Jan Omerod; When A Pet Dies, written by Fred Rogers Sources: Kimberly A. Cardeccia, MA, LPC, NCC, author of Healing Your Heart When Your Animal Friend is Gone: A Children’s Pet Bereavement Workbook Abigail McNamee, PhD, EdD, chair of the Department of Early Childhood and Childhood Education at City University of New York.

“How can I help my children deal with grief? Should they go to and participate in the funeral?” The most important thing you can do to help children though the funeral process is to talk to them. Children need honest, clear and gentle answers to their questions, and an opportunity to express their emotions. Allow your child to ask questions and don’t be embarrassed if you don’t know the answers. Answers to religious questions may come from clergy, and technical questions can be addressed by your funeral director. It’s a good idea to prepare children before the funeral so they know what to expect. As much as we want to protect our children from all pain and sorrow, we cannot protect them from knowing about death and loss. Participating in the funeral service at a level that is comfortable and appropriate to their age can be a great way for children to deal with their grief and acknowledge their loss. Participating in the service Children have their own comfort zones where funerals are concerned, and it is important for parents and others to respect that. Here is a guide to finding the right level of funeral service participation for your child. Participation can take many forms, from simply being present to presenting the eulogy. It can be public, like serving as a pall bearer or lighting a candle, or private, like placing a picture or memento into the casket. What type or level of participation is appropriate depends upon the age, talents and inclination of your child. Bereaved children feel like their feelings “matter” when they can share a favorite memory or read a special poem as part of the funeral service. Many children feel more included when they are invited to help plan the funeral service. Encourage, explain, but never force. Infants, toddlers, and very young children who have no understanding of death have no need to attend the funeral services, except for the convenience and comfort of the parents. However, children of this age are welcome at visitations and funeral services, and their presence helps to remind us of new beginnings. Keep your visit short or arrange for child care at the funeral home. Ask if the funeral home has a children’s room. At Fiske, Murphy & Mack Funeral Home, we have a Children’s Room where your children can stay with a relative or friend during visiting hours or the service. Here they can play games or watch TV or a movie. Preschoolers are old enough to understand the basics of death and can participate in some meaningful way, as they feel comfortable. For example, they might draw a picture or write a letter to their loved one or place a flower on the casket at the gravesite. Elementary school children may be ready to participate in the church service by reading a lesson or poem, walking along with adult pallbearers, or preparing artwork or photos for a visitation. Guide participation if there is an interest. If there is a reluctance or fear, allow the child to opt out. Their participation is for their own benefit, not a requirement to ‘prove’ their regard for the deceased. Some children in this age group may benefit from having a close friend, or cousin accompany them to provide moral support during visitation and service times. Middle school and high school age children already have difficult times in their transitions to adulthood. Dealing with the death of a loved one adds another level of complication to their world. Teens may feel embarrassed by participating in services, and have difficulty getting along with other family members. Nonetheless, the added maturity of the teen years means that interested kids may derive a great level of satisfaction and healing from actively participating in services. Musical performances, casket bearing, and the sharing of remembrances become real possibilities in this age group. It is important to remember, in dealing with adolescents, that they are not yet adults. A death can turn their whole world upside down, and may be a time when adolescents prefer to grieve and receive comfort from adults, rather than participate in the service. All children, like adults, will respond in different ways. If you’d like more information about talking to children about death, call us at 575-0575 or email mackfamilyfh@gmail.com.